What If I Don’t Want to Forgive? Exploring Honest Faith and Real Pain
You’re not less faithful because you’re struggling to forgive…
Forgiveness is a word that carries weight — especially for Christians. We hear it in sermons, we read it in Scripture, and we know it’s part of the call to live like Christ. But what happens when forgiveness feels out of reach? What if the pain is still fresh, the betrayal still raw, or the wound never fully healed?
At Clarity Life Counselling, we work with many people who are struggling with the pressure to forgive — not because they don’t want to, but because they don’t know how.
Battling With Betrayal
Take Lisa, for example*. She’s been part of church life for years. She’s committed, compassionate, and carries her faith deeply. But she also carries something else — the memory of a betrayal by a close friend in her church community. She’s been told to forgive and move on, but her heart still aches. She feels stuck between what she believes she should do, and what she’s actually ready for.
The Misunderstanding Around Forgiveness
In Christian circles, we often mistake forgiveness for instant emotional release — as if saying “I forgive you” means all the pain disappears.
But real forgiveness, especially in the wake of trauma or deep hurt, is often a process, not a moment.
Forgiveness is not:
Forgetting what happened
Excusing wrongdoing
Forcing reconciliation
Pretending it didn’t hurt
According to psychologist Dr. Everett Worthington (2013), a leading researcher on forgiveness, healthy forgiveness involves two key elements:
Decisional forgiveness – choosing to release resentment, even when emotions haven’t caught up.
Emotional forgiveness – a gradual softening of anger or bitterness over time.
This distinction matters. It allows you to start the journey of forgiveness without denying your pain.
What Scripture Really Says
Forgiveness is biblical, but it’s never coerced or minimised. In Ephesians 4:32, Paul encourages the church:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
(Ephesians 4:32, NIV)
But Paul’s letters were written to people in the middle of conflict, pain, and messy lives — not perfect, pain-free saints. This verse is a call to compassion, not pressure. The foundation of forgiveness is being kind and compassionate , including toward yourself.
How Christian Counselling Can Help
At Clarity Life Counselling, we offer space to explore the hard parts of forgiveness. Our faith-based counselling approach walks with you through:
Naming the hurt and validating your emotional experience
Discerning what healthy boundaries might look like
Understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation
Learning how to grieve what was lost
Inviting God into your healing, honestly and gently
We use trauma-informed methods, like compassion-focused therapy and narrative therapy, to support emotional healing while grounding it in biblical truth.
You’re not weak because you’re struggling to forgive. You’re human. And healing is a journey.
Questions to Reflect On
Have I been trying to forgive before I’ve had space to grieve?
Do I feel pressure to “move on” too quickly?
What would forgiveness look like, if it started with self-compassion?
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Forgiveness is powerful — but it doesn’t have to be forced or rushed. If you’re holding onto hurt, and you’re ready to talk, we’re here.
Clarity Life Counselling offers confidential, compassionate Christian therapy in the UK, where your faith and feelings are both honoured.
Book your consultation today at claritylifecounselling.co.uk
Let’s begin this journey together.